Sri Lankan Bus Etiquette

Bussing it around Colombo can be a harsh experience if you aren’t aware of the finer points of Sri Lankan public transport… Well that’s where I come in, inspired by years of bus travel and a particularly annoying, betel chewing geezah who tried to steal my seat, I shall now attempt to impart some useful advice on how to make your bus-trip a more pleasurable one for you and everyone else on the bus…

First, never offer to pay your fare unless specifically instructed to do so by the conductor.

The conductor will request the money by saying “take the money”, which implies that you must give him the money; do NOT under any circumstances take HIS money. Try not telling him your destination. Simply hand him the money and look the other way. Expecting him to know where you are headed will earn you brownie points.
Ensure you have your exact fare ready. If you do not you will have to withstand the deadly glare unleashed by his supreme-conductorness and hold your breath while he lectures you about carrying change money for your bus fare.

If you did not have exact change and you gave the conductor a 100 for a 6 rupee bus ticket, you will warned against doing it again in the most fierce way possible, making your 4th grade teacher sound like a wimp. If the above was the case, do not expect 94 rupees back. If you are given 90, take it, shut your mouth and look out the window. The bus-fare-instruction manual states that He who has been awarded the supreme responsibility of being conductor of a bus is under no obligation whatsoever to provide customers with exact change. The conductor is the sole authority in deciding how much should be given.

If you are seated behind the driver’s seat and a member of the clergy gets in, please rise and offer your seat; or pretend to be asleep. Some members of the clergy are simply sadistic and wait for a particularly full bus for them to get in, so that they can ask you to get out of your seat and make you look like a real sucker. Sleeping will not help in these sorts of instances.

If a pregnant woman gets in, try to offer your seat. Make sure you wait a few minutes for someone else to notice her and give her their seat. If that doesn’t happen and pretending to sleep is beyond your conscience, you may stay seated.
If a really old person boards the bus, do as above.

If there’s a hot girl sitting next to you, don’t try to start talking to her. The bus isn’t the best place to pick up girls. No matter how hot she might be.

If you are standing and there’s a girl with a big rear end standing in front of you, trying one’s best not to make physical contact in certain areas is considered polite, under normal circumstances. However, if the girl is aged between 16 and 30, men over 50 are allowed to do as they please and rub any part of their body against any part of the girl’s body. It is customary to do so. If you are over 50 and wearing a white sarong, you have the supreme right to do anything you wish.

If you are aboard and air conditioned bus and there are couples in the back seat making out, pull out your cell phone and pretend to make a call to someone. Place the phone to your ear and pretend to describe what the couples are doing to the person on the other end. For best results make it sound like you are watching a cricket match. For even better results flirt with the girl who’s making out…

If the bus is stopped at a check point and everyone has to disembark, do so as loud as possible and grunt and groan to make sure everyone knows that you are NOT HAPPY about the situation. Do NOT however try to use the situation to your advantage and chat up the girl next to you. When boarding the bus again, you will be given 3 seconds to find your seat and get to it. Failing to do so within the stipulated 3 seconds would render the seat public property and anyone will be able to sit in it. If you were standing, wait 3 seconds before sitting in someone else’s seat. If the previous occupant of the seat requests you to stand up, point at the person in front of you and say that he/she took your seat. Act utterly disgusted when the two people start cussing at you.

Get out of your seat well before the bus comes to your halt and stand on the foot board for at least 2 minutes, blocking people who want to jump off in traffic prior to the bus halt. This may earn you a few foul remarks, but know that you have done your bounden bus-duty for the day.

Happy tripping dudes.... and dudettes